Sex and Consent: They go hand in hand!

Relating to my research in gendered verbal and non-verbal communication in romantic heterosexual encounters, understanding consent, and how to communicate your wants and needs during sex.

https://www.dawsonwomensshelter.com/blog/consent-is-everything https://www.eroscoaching.com/2022/01/what-sexual-consent-looks-like/ . https://www.facebook.com/WHO/photos/a.167668209945237/6147721728606492/?type=3

What is consent?

Consent has many different definition, and even legally there is not one set definition to go off of. But, there is a generalized understanding we can all have of consent and who can legally give it! So to start, there are generally three different ares we have to look at when discussing consent. RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network provides us with these. There is Affirmative consent, Freely given consent, and the Capacity to Consent. As described by RAINN, Affirmative consent is a question to ask yourself, did the person express actions or words in order to show their agreement with the sexual act? Next, Freely given consent requires us to discover if the consent was given with the persons free will. This means they were not influenced by violence, coercion, a threat, or by fraud. Lastly of the three, we have to determine if the individual had the legal ability or capacity to consent to a sexual act. These three qualifications must be met, or we can assume that a rape or sexual assault took place. A good case to look at is explained in the Handbook of Sexual Assault and Sexual Assault Prevention. In this, there is a chapter called "Definition, Communication, and Interpretation of Sexual Consent" first put online in 2019, this addresses the "he said she said" issue surrounding the legal debates of sexual assault, and also in its own words, :"we review research concerning the question of whether men interpret women’s behaviors to indicate greater interest than women themselves intend (i.e., the question of the “overperception” bias)."

What does consent NOT look like?

A sexual partner looking upset during sex, being non responsive, and being completely disengaged from the actions. Consent for sex is not derived from an assumption from a kiss or flirting, or the clothing someone os wearing. Consent for sex is not assuming you have an invitation for sex again because it was previously done or talked about with the same person. And last but certainly not least, consent is not your partner saying "No" to you.

Who can consent?

There are many different groups of individuals who cannot consent legally. For example, every state will have a legal age of consent. This is the legal limit the state has set based on their belief of who can properly consent to a sexual act. I do not agree with many of these legal limits, and believe they should all be higher, but on average, the age of consent in the U.S. is 16 years of age. So with this when looking at the legality of a sexual act, we have to determine if their age was under the age of consent, and if the perpetrators was over or under as well. The age gap will determine many instances of rape in the court of law. This also takes into account relationships, if the victim was a student or prisoner or other person who was preyed on by an authoritarian, they do not have the ability to consent freely due to power dynamics. They are in a more vulnerable position. Next, disabilities in development is a factor in determining consent. If the person has a developmental disability or physical disability which deems them "helpless" in a life threatening situation, they cannot consent. Another instance of capacity to consent, which is quite popular is possibility of intoxication. If the person was intoxicated (definitions of intoxication are dependent on the state) then they can not consent! With this, there is also an element of if they intoxicated themselves on their own accord or if they were drugged or forced to become intoxicated against their knowledge or will. And of course, if someone is unconscious, sedated, in a coma, etc. They cannot consent!

Why is consent important?

Every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted according to RAINN. "One in four women have experienced completed or attempted rape "according to the CDC. In every instance, consent was not respected or the victim legally could not consent. The number of women raped in America grows every second. The same goes for men in America. I specifically discuss rapes done by men to women because it is the more prevalent in our society,. Men get away with rape every day, and I am sick of the men who get a slap on the wrist or a 2 year sentence where they get released on "good behavior." Just in colleges, it was reported that 4 to 16% of all college men in the U.S. have reported themselves committing rape, this is not including all of the men who have not reported their disgusting crimes. And on average, two thirds of these rapists have raped four or more times in one college year. I always recommend the documentary called "The Hunting Ground" which came out in 2015. This documentary exposes the thousands of rape crimes on college campuses and even the hiding of the crimes, the college campus board of directors do to cover up the crimes so they do not get labeled as a campus with a high rate of sexual crimes. We practice many forms of consent and respect in our everyday lives. For example, most of us respect someone else's personal space. Most of us do not hug or touch someone without a verbal or non verbal agreement between parties. So we should implement these actions into our sexual relationships too, because sex is intimate and it puts you in a vulnerable position, with is even more of a reason to do so.

Gendered differences in expectations of sex.

Through doing research, it has been discovered that men have a much higher expectation for sex much earlier on into a relationship or encounter than women do. And, this expectation is said to go up if the woman was the one to initiate the initial date. This unveils a discrepancy in expectations. So let's discuss why that's an issue and talk about expectancy violations theory. Expectancy violations theory covers "the relationship between non verbal message production and the interpretations people hold for those nonverbal behaviors " According to Saylor Academy. If these expectations are met or not met, they may view it in a positive or negative light, depending on what the action which did or did not violate their expectation was. I want to lay out a scenario for you:

As a woman, you are at a club, you are feeling happy and excited because your favorite song just came on. You dance around smiling, and all of a sudden a man comes up to you. He says he saw you smiling at him and asks for your number. You weren't aware you were smiling, and don't really want to give out your number. Now as a woman who this has occurred to, there is already a lot on our mind. Number one, we do not want to give out our number, but because of previous interactions, you know that the chances of there being a coordinated management of meaning, is quite slim. Now, a coordinated management of meaning is a theory that assumes that two people who are in conversation, come to a conclusion individually on what that conversation means, then they negotiate a more common meaning through coordination. And, "this coordination involves the individuals establishing rules for creating and interpreting meaning", according to Saylor Academy. In some instances, you and this man would be able to coordinate on a conclusion and easily be able to communicate that you do not want to give him his number, and he will respect your decision and walk away. However, as I said, because of previous interactions we have all had, the chances of that are slim. Some men at a club that approach you, have the expectation that you will accept their advances, and if you reject, it violates that expectation. As a woman, we worry of the anger some men express when we reject them. So now we are simultaneously thinking, "if I give him my number, he'll think I am hitting on him, I could try a fake number, but if he finds out he might get angry, or if I reject him he might get upset anyways and hurt me... what do I do?" All of this caused by an interaction he mistook to be an opening for conversation.

Why is this so common?

Well, according to a study done in 2011 called, Gender affects body language reading, it was discovered that when attempting to distinguish between different emotions, men would mistake an angry or otherwise disinterested action for a happy one often. On the flip side, women were much more proficient at distinguishing between emotions. The conductors of the study said this, "Females exhibit higher sensitivity to non-verbal cues: they better discriminate friendliness from sexual interest and are more proficient in recognition of facial emotions." This is all in comparison to men. I want to bring up this "Over Perception Bias" previously mentioned at the beginning of this article. The Sexual Overperception Bias is described in The Cognitive Psychology Blog in an article created in 2020 as, "the tendency to believe that others are more sexually interested in you than they actually are." Overperception bias can be dangerous because one is assuming without asking. In any attempt of a sexual act, there needs to be an exchange of an understanding of what will happen, what everyone is comfortable with, and a verbal yes from every party. Assumptions can very easily cause dangerous situations.

How do we properly communicate consent?

A few tips to give consent would be to first think about what you want in a sexual encounter. What are you boundaries? What excites you? What scares you? Then, talk to your possible sexual partner about your wants and needs and boundaries. Depending on their reaction, you can get a pretty good understanding of if they have respect for you or not. If they seemingly do not, remove yourself from the situation and get somewhere safe. If you are comfortable and enter a sexual act, communicate. Speak your mind, and say what you do and don't like as it is occurring. And remember, if at any moment you are unsure or are uncomfortable, say no and remove yourself from the immediate situation as best as you can. Don't worry about "killing the mood" because a partner who respects you as a human being and as a sexual partner, will understand and will want to avoid doing anything to hurt you or make you uncomfortable. Remember to check in on your partner as well. Talking during the act is a great way to make sure every party is comfortable and feeling good.

But what if bringing up sex is awkward? "It's easier to just do it!"

Social exchange theory is something to look at here. Saylor Academy says, " According to the theory, human interaction is analogous to an economic transaction, in that an individual may seek to maximize rewards and minimize costs. Actions such as revealing information about oneself will occur when the cost-reward ratio is acceptable. As long as rewards continue to outweigh costs, a pair of individuals will become increasingly intimate by sharing more and more personal information." Sex and your preferences are personal, and you may feel this block, needing to analyze if its the right place or time to discuss this. But, if you know things are about to get sexual, I recommend you stop and have a discussion. Even if it is awkward, or feels weird to talk about, the reward of being safe and having a good time outweighs the possibility of you being in an unsafe situation where it is too late to get out, or you end up feeling pressured to continue.

In my opinion how can men improve on asking and understanding consent?

How do we work on changing expectations and learning to be better at understanding body language? How do we lower ones Sexual Overperception Bias? If men do not improve on these areas, hurt and damage may occur. Many women already have an opinon of men. We think most men want something from us, and will take it if they get the chance. So first off, no really means no. It's not a suggestion, i'ts not a challenge, it's not a game of playing hard to get... It is a true and honest expression of our dislike and disinterest, it is our verbal communication that what you are doing is unwanted and needs to stop. Respect that.

Now, for men to better understand non verbal communication, lets first start with explaining the different types: A journal done by The University of Minnesota Twin Cities, does not list an author, but does give us different examples of nonverbal communication.

1. Space

2. Time

3. Body movements

4. Touch

5. Paralanguage

6. Environment

Space refers to space like personal territory and personal space, in a context on consent, it is important to look at someones personal territory or space and ask if it is okay to be within that space instead of invading it. Time in relation to consent, is see if the person has the time to have this conversation, but also as a tip, the time of day also matters. Women are going to be more on edge at night, so be aware of how the time of day may put someone in an uncomfortable frame of mind. Body movements. is a huge one. Pay attention to the movements of a woman you are approaching. Closed off arms, disengaging and turning away from you is a sign she is uncomfortable. Touch! Now, it is important to understand the kissing, flirting, hugging, or any type of professional touch is consent. You still need to ask for verbal consent before any sexual touch or act. Now paralanguage, which includes tone and silence. Distinguish between angry tones and happy tones. Many women who are uncomfortable will show it in their tone and their body language. Also environment, look at the environment around you. Being in a club does not mean every woman within it is going to consent to sex.

All of these examples of nonverbal communication, are important to be educated on! And know that these aren't all of them either. Also, each woman will express their feelings in different ways, so I always recommend using verbal communication as a primary source of asking and giving consent. It is the safest way to ensure both parties are satisfied and feeling safe.

My piece on communication and why I wrote this.

Interpersonal communications can lead to happiness, and lead to hurt. Humans are all so complex and all have their own wants, needs, expectations, dreams, and more. We can look at the "Onion Theory" or better described as the Social Penetration Theory. For example, as seen in Saylor Academy every person has layers to their personality. Outler layers are often showed to the public, and inner layers are often only showed to close friends or family. Each of these layers can be peeled back with time, trust, and communication. As two communicate, especially about sex, these layers can become exposed, a stable exchange can occur, and your sexual encounters can be wonderful. I have experienced so many unfortunate acts from men, and I have friends and family members who have to. We are cat called form a young age, sexualized sometimes before we can walk, and it only gets worse as we age. So education for men is key! Understanding that women are human beings and not objects for pleasure. Understanding consent, and why it needs to be given in order to have a true sexual experience. Learning how to ask more questions, and question themselves at times. It is okay to ask yourself, "Is this girl really interested in me, or is she just being nice?" And it's okay to even ask the girl if she is interested in you or not. It may be embarrassing, but it helps a lot of uncomfort and possible distress from occurring. Men, I urge you to listen to testimonies from your girlfriends, wives, mothers, sisters, your coworkers, and even form your daughters. We all have a story to tell, we all have a voice that wants to be heard. Don't get your advice from "Does she like me?" articles. Ask her directly, and if she says no, respect her boundary and move on. You will recover from a rejection, but for the woman, the trauma she may face from an uncomfortable or unsafe situation is much more concerning. So, I write this not just for myself, but for every girl who has been put in an uncomfortable situation, and for men to read and see the disparities and why they may be occurring.

Thank you for reading and please look at my references and read the articles and journals for more information!

References :

References.pdf

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